When Your Relationship Goes Sour

B"H.

By Yosef Y. Jacobson


A Chassid related the following story:

I once saw a Russian soldier being whipped. His crime? While standing watch on a winter night, his feet had frozen to his boots. "Had you remembered the oath you took to serve the czar," his commander berated him, "the memory would have kept you warm."


"For 25 years," concluded the Chassid, "this incident inspired my service of the Almighty (1)."

A Self-Absorbed Husband?

This week's Torah portion (Lech Lecah) relates the following enigmatic story:


A famine breaks out in the Land of Israel, and Abraham and his wife Sarah head down south to Egypt. As they approach Egypt, Abraham voices his fears to his wife that the Egyptians, notorious for their immorality, might kill him so that they may lay their hands on her, a most beautiful woman. "Please say that you are my sister," Abraham begs his wife, "so that they will give me gifts for your sake and my life will be spared (2)."


This is a difficult story to digest. Abraham, the founder of Judaism, considered one of the most spiritual men of all times – the person who gave the world the gift of Monotheism -- seems to be all-consumed by the fear for his life, and yet totally unconcerned with the fate of his wife.


What is even more disturbing is Abraham's interest that "they give me gifts for your sake," while his wife would be enduring abuse and humiliation of the worst degree (3).


No less absurd is the fact that the Torah finds it necessary to begin the biography of the father of the Jewish people with this episode, as though signifying that it contained the fundamentals of Jewish faith and practice.

A Tale of Two Loves

What is the difference between the sibling relationship and the spouse relationship?

A spouse you choose; siblings you don’t choose. Your connection with your brothers and sisters is natural and innate.

The bond between siblings is constant and immutable. Whether you love your brothers or not, he will always remain your brother; you are eternally connected (on some level).
Conversely, the bond with a spouse is subject to change and fluctuation; today you are married, but in a year from now you may be (heaven forbid) divorced.


Yet paradoxically, love of a sibling – even at its best -- is usually calm and placid; the love of a spouse, on the other hand, is capable of becoming fiery and passionate. Because the love of sibling is inborn, it can never die, but we also don't get too excited about it.


The love of a spouse is something created anew as a result of two separate individuals coming together at a later stage in life. The distinctiveness, rather than the sameness, of the two individuals linked in marriage is what gives the relationship its unique intensity and drama, feelings that cannot be found even between the closest of siblings. Yet this same quality is also the reason some marriages are short-lived: passion can flourish, but passion can die.


And when the marriage does fail, you fall back on the innate bond that exists among family members, who are, in some weird yet reassuring way, always there for you.

Tough Times

When one is situated in the holy-land, a term symbolizing a psychological state of serenity and spirituality, he is her husband and she is his wife. They care for each other and look out for each other in a way that only a husband and wife can. Those are the days when you wake up in the morning and say, "Thank you G-d for giving me such a special person in my life."

But then a famine may erupt, starving your heart and dulling your senses, you end up in "Egypt," which in Hebrew means "constraints" and "limitations." You lose your passion for your spouse, barriers between you are constructed, and your marriage becomes a burden. Those are the moments when you say to yourself, "Almighty G-d, why did I have to end up with this person?"

A Jewish couple was celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. During the feast, the woman stood up and said: "I'd like to make a toast to myself for sticking it out with this man for fifty years, and I want to tell you, that the fifty years of our marriage have passed like two days."


The crowd was very moved by her words. But one man asked, "Why like two days, and not like one day?"


"The fifty years of our marriage," replied the woman, "were like two days: Tisah B'av and Yom Kippur."


At these moments one must remember that his wife is, in essence, also a sister, and that her husband is also a brother. Even if you don’t feel the connection, you remain connected innately; even if you don’t experience the romance consciously, you remain linked essentially. Because the shared bond between a wife and her husband is not only the result of a created union at a later point in their lives; rather the spouse relationship is also innate and intrinsic, in the words of the Zohar, "two halves of the same soul (4)." A marriage, in the Jewish perspective, is not only a union of two distinct people; it is a re-union of two souls that were one and then, prior to birth, separated. In marriage, they are reunited.

The relationship between spouses goes beyond feelings. We crave to always be husbands and wives, but sometimes -- for our marriages to survive and thrive -- we must become brothers and sisters. Whether you feel it or not, your wife is one with you, always (5).

Abraham and Sarah taught us, that when your spouse becomes difficult, and the relationship becomes challenging, you cease to be husband and wife; now you become brother and sister. You fall back on the innate, intrinsic oneness which binds you in an eternal link.
This, in fact, brings an awesome benefit to a husband. When you are there for your wife even when you're not in the mood for it, an extraordinary energy of love is later returned to you. That's why Abraham told Sarah that by saying that she was his sister, he would not only survive, but would also receive special gifts.


G-d My Sister, G-d My Wife

"A sound! My beloved knocks! Open your heart to Me, My sister, My wife, My dove, My perfection (5)." In these stirring words, King Solomon describes the Jew both as G-d's spouse and as G-d's sibling.


There are times when the Jew is situated in the holy-land, inspired and motivated to live a spiritual and G-dly life. Like in a good marriage, the Jew is crazy about G-d, yearning to be close to Him and fulfilled by having a relationship with Him.


But then come the days when the Jew enters into a psychological "Egypt," where his inner spirituality is numbed, as he is overtaken by self-centered lusts, beastly cravings, negative impulses and enslaving addictions. His marriage with G-d seems all but dead.


The key to survival at those moments is to remember that G-d is not only a spouse, but also a sibling. We are sacred and G-dly not just because we feel it and we love it, but because man is inherently a spiritual and sacred creature, and G-dliness is intrinsic to the human being's very composition. Whether I'm in the mood for it or not, when I behave in a moral and spiritual way, I am being loyal to my true self.

You are holy not because you feel holy, but because you are essentially holy – this is one of the most fundamental ideas of Judaism, expressed in the first narrative about the first Jew.


When the Russian winter threatens to freeze our souls, it's time to recall the warmth provided by G-d as a member of the family. It's time to remember the intrinsic bond existing between you and your sibling that will never fail (6).

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Footnotes:
1) Once Upon A Chassid, p. 217.
2) Genesis 12:10-13.
3) The explanation that follows, culled from the writings of Chassidism, explores the psychological and spiritual symbolism behind the story. On the literal level, two approaches can be found in Biblical commentary. The Ramban (Nachmanides, circa 1194-1270) writes that Abraham performed indeed "a great sin, inadvertently." The Zohar explains (Tazria 52a), that Abraham, who knew Sarah's superior spiritual quality, was certain that no harm would befall her and was thus only fearful about his own fate. Cf. Likkutei Sichos vol. 20 Lech Lecah. Based on the idea of the Baal Shem Tov (Baal Shem Tov Al Hatorah Lech Lecah), that as a result of descending to Egypt Abraham’s relationship with Sarah was compromised, for then he began seeing her beauty as autonomous of the Divine beauty, it is possible to suggest that the explanation in the essay is relevant on some level to the literal story as well.
4) Vayikra p. 7b.
5) Song of Songs 5:2.
6) This essay is based on the writings of the Chabad Chassidic Masters (Or Hatorah Emor, pp. 149-151; Safer Hammamarim 5627, pp. 248-251; Likkutei Sichos vol. 20 Lech, and Tanya chapters 18 and 25).


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Abraham the Hebrew

Lech Lecha: What It Means to be a "Hebrew"



Before we were called either the Children of Israel, or Jews, we were called Hebrews. When Joseph is questioned in Egypt as to his origins he says: “I was stolen from the Land of the Hebrews.” Our language is also called Hebrew, not Jewish or Israeli. Today we will look at the origin of this word, “Hebrew.”


The verse that we have been looking at all week begins with the words: “Abraham crossed through the land….”1 The Hebrew word for “crossed through” is ויעבר , which stems from the three-letter root עבר (pronounced: avar) the root of the word עברי , “a Hebrew.”2 As we progress in our study today, we will begin to appreciate why entering the Land of Israel requires one to be a Hebrew.


Later in the parshah we find that Abraham is indeed called “Abram the Hebrew”3 אברם העברי . The sages4 provide a number of different explanations for this adjective:


“Avram the Hebrew was told.” Rabbi Yehudah, Rabbi Nechemyah, and the sages [disagree]. Rabbi Yehudah says: the entire world is on one side and he is on the other side [the word for “side” in Hebrew is מעבר , which stems from the same root עבר ]. Rabbi Nechemyah says: Because he is of the descendants of Ever [the son of Shem, the son of Noah]. The sages say: he is from the other side of the river and that he speaks in the Hebrew tongue.


There are three opinions and four explanations in this Midrash. Let us look at them more closely and see how they correspond to the four letters of God’s essential Name, Havayah.


We will begin with the sages’ opinion, which really presents two different but related explanations. Both of the sages’ explanations make use of a purely linguistic approach to understanding this word. The first explanation they offer is that עברי , Hebrew alludes to the notion of Abraham having come from the other side of the Euphrates.5 In Kabbalah, the sefirah of understanding is described as “the breadth of the river.”6 Thus, coming from the other side of the river is a metaphor for drawing down the light of the sefirah of understanding and this explanation corresponds to the first hei of Havayah. Furthermore, the very concept of space (Abraham’s birth place, where he comes from) is associated with the sefirah of understanding.7 Note also that of all four explanations Rashi quotes this one alone. There are four different methods for writing tefilin. The tefilin of Rashi, which is what most people use, correspond to the mother principle, the sefirah of understanding.


The second explanation offered by the sages is that Abraham speaks the language of the Hebrews. Speech is always described as the manifestation of the sefirah of kingdom, which is many times called “the world of speech” in Kabbalah. Thus, this explanation corresponds to the sefirah of kingdom and to the final hei of Havayah. Thus, we have that both of the sages’ explanations are related to language and to the two hei’s in Havayah, which in Kabbalah are also described as the mother and the daughter, as the prophet says: “Like the mother is the daughter.”8


Rabbi Nechemya’s explanation corresponds to the sefirah of wisdom. Ever, Abraham’s teacher was the 14th generation of men. Abraham was the 20th generation. One connection between these two numbers is that 14 is written יד , and 20 can be written as יוד , both of which correspond to the filling of the letter yud,9 the first of the four letters of the Tetragrammaton, which corresponds with wisdom. 14 and 20 are related in another way: 14 = 105, while the 20 = 210, thus there ratio is 1:2, a ratio that is known in Kabbalah as “the whole to the half” (שלם וחצי ). Thus, the ratio between (the triangles of the generations of) Abraham and Ever is one of “the whole [Abraham] to the half [Ever].” If we add Abraham and Ever we get: אברהם ┴ עבר = 520, which is also the product of יוד and י־הוה , God’s essential Name. The multiplication of the filling of the letter yud (יוד ), the first letter that corresponds to wisdom, by the entire Name stresses the wisdom aspect of God’s Name. Finally, the name Ever itself in Hebrew is cognate to the word for “past” (עַבַר , pronounced: avar). To be a descendant of Ever is to be a descendant of the (distant) past. So there is an inherent time dimension in it. Just as space is related to the sefirah of understanding time (especially, the distant past) corresponds to the sefirah of wisdom.10


Rabbi Yehudah’s explanation corresponds to the six extremities that are the six dimensions of Ze’er Anpin (from loving-kindness to foundation), also known as the six extremities. He explains that Abraham was on one extreme (one side) and the rest of the world was on the other extreme (or side). Rabbi Yehudah’s explanation pits Abraham’s steadfast faith in the Almighty (which we discussed in yesterday’s installment) with the rest of humanity’s superstitious beliefs in false gods. Faith is the innermost experience associated with the sefirah of crown, and the inherent link between Ze’er Anpin—the six dimensions—and faith is described by the Zohar as “Ze’er Anpin is unified and linked with Atika (the innermost aspect of the crown).” Thus, Abraham’s ability to stand with confidence in his faith is fueled by his insistence on remaining separate from all other people. Furthermore, Rabbi Yerhudah’s explanation adds a dimension of consciousness to the etymology of Abram the Hebrew. According to him, what situated Abraham differently than all other men in his generation was his consciousness of God. In Kabblaah, consciousness is associated with the sefirah of knowledge, which is regarded as the key to the six extremities of Ze’er Anpin.


Before summarizing, let us note that we now see that the 3 categories of explanation offered by Rabbi Nechemyah, Rabbi Yehudah, and the sages correspond to one of the central models of Sefer Yetzirah: world (space), year (time), and psyche (consciousness).


Now that we have seen all four of the explanations, we can say that the words “Abraham crossed through the land,” contain them all, revealing the multifaceted nature of the Torah’s verses. It was Abraham’s ability to embody all of these explanations, which made him into an individual uniquely different from his surroundings that assisted him in crossing the land and being a Hebrew. He was then capable of opening his home to any passerby, assured as he was of his independence as a Hebrew.

Aliyah and rebirth
So far we have translated the beginning of this verse as: “Abram crossed through the land.” Let us now look at the original Hebrew words: ויעבר אברם בארץ . The first word ויעבר , “He crossed through” or “He passed through” is equal to 288, the number of sparks of holiness that fell into the mundane reality following the shattering of the vessels of the world of Chaos, the world of Nekudim. 288 is also the numerical value of אברם (243) and לוט , “Lot” (45), Abraham’s nephew, together. Altogether there are in this verse 45, or מה letters. 45 is the numerical value of the filling of God’s essential Name, Havayah, which is connected to the rectification and elevation of the 288 Divine sparks.


Permuting the letters of the word ויעבר we get עיבור ,11 meaning “pregnancy,” alluding to the first of the Arizal’s three stage process of development: pregnancy, suckling [dependency], mind [maturity] (or, in Hebrew, עיבור יניקה מוחין ). This word also permutes to spell עב ריו . עב is the gematria of חסד , loving-kindness. ריו is the gematria of גבורה , might. Thus this word alludes to the unification of loving-kindness and might, which is why, according to the Arizal that it is the first word in the Torah’s recounting of the 13 Principles of God’s Mercy, as mercy is the inner experience of the sefirah of beauty. The connection between “pregnancy” and the unification between loving-kindness and might is explained in length in Kabbalah.12


But, practically speaking, what this reveals to us is that every person who ascends to live in the Land of Israel (“makes aliyah,” in modern parlance) must pass through a second pregnancy. This is like a second period in the womb that gives birth to a new spiritual reality in the person’s life, just as the first 9 months in the womb gave birth to a first spiritual reality. In Chassidut, it is explained that whereas the first period of pregnancy, of being in the womb, allows one to understand that the spiritual aspect of reality indeed exists, the person can only achieve, at best, an intellectual understanding of the spiritual. The second level of spirituality allows a person to begin to see the essence of the spiritual world. This is a much higher level, and again is possible only after experiencing a second “pregnancy” as it were, this time with the Land of Israel, the essence of mother earth, as one’s womb.13 Once attaining spiritual sight, a person can successfully engage in the elevation of the sparks of holiness in the mundane, as did Abraham.

Now, in the entire Torah, the word ויעבר appears 7 times, with different vowel signs, indicating different tenses of the verb. Five times it appears as it does here, with the meaning of “he crossed through,”14 and another twice with the meaning of “he passed [objects or people] over.” Thus, we have that 7 is divided into 5 and 2, a division alluded to in the word “gold,” זהב , where the first letter ז = 7, and the next two letters, ה and ב equal 5 and 2.

Ours is the first time that this word in the sense of “he crossed through” (and all its secrets discussed above regarding the 288 sparks of holiness) appears in the Torah. The last time that this word appears in the Torah (also in this sense) is just before the 13 Principles of Mercy, where the verse is “God passed over him [Moshe] and He called out” ויעבר יהוה על פניו ויקרא . If we add the numerical value of the three words in our verse: ויעבר אברם בארץ (“Abram passed through the land”) and the value of the words in the final verse: ויעבר י־הוה על פניו ויקרא (“God passed over him and He called out”), we get 1701, which amazingly is equal to 7 times Abram, 7 · אברם , Abraham’s name as it appears in the verse from our parshah. 1701 is also the value of אהיה · אנכי , God’s Name Ekyeh, times His connotation “I,” indicating how much this word is related to the essence of Godliness and the ability to see spiritual matters.



Notes:

1. Genesis 12:6.

2. In English, the word “Hebrew” is the source of the word “over.”

3. Genesis 14:13.

4. Bereisheet Rabbah 42:8.

5. The river always associated with the Promised Land (to Abraham, in this week's parshah) is the Euphrates, the last (but most essential) of the four primordial rivers of Genesis. In Hebrew, the root of “river” (נהר ) is one of the 13 synonyms for “light.” It is also the root of the Aramaic translation of “light” in the beginning of creation. “And God saw the light to be good.” Numerically, both the word for “river” (נהר = 255) and “Euphrates” (פרת = 680) are multiples of “good” טוב (= 17).

6. Zohar III, 142a.

7. Based on the verse: “…And where is the place of understanding” (Job 28:12).

8. Ezekiel 16:44.

9. See also http://www.inner.org/parshah/deuteronomy/E68-0105.pdf for more examples of how these two fillings work together.

10. We have gone into these definitions in greater detail in our latest book: Lectures on Modern Physics: Relativity, Quantum Mechanics, and String Theory, the first volume in our new series: Lectures in Kabbalah.

11. Shnei Luchot Habrit, Beit David 12.

12. See Tikunei Zohar 22 (f. 67b). Pardes Rimonim 23:10, 30:7. Sha’ar Hakavanot, drushei vaya’avor, 7.

13. In Kabbalistic language (and in Rebbe Nachman’s writings) this is referred to as first maturity and second maturity (גדלות ראשון, גדלות שני ).

14. With vowel signs: וַיַּעֲבֹר , which in Hebrew grammar is the tense known as binyan kal.

TRUE VALUES

PARSHA

NOAH 08



“You shall make a Tsohar for light for the Tevah ark” (Gen.6.16)



Some say Tsohar is a window, others say it is a jewel as a source of light. (Rashi)

The term Tevah – ark, also means word. So, take care to ensure that every word that leaves your mouth sheds enlightenment like precious stones and valuable jewels.

(R Mendele of Riminov)



In these days of turbulence, the effects of collapsing markets and the plunging values of commodities have hit people worldwide. Assets and investments set aside for a secure and comfortable future have lost much of their value.



In these days of uncertainty, we should realise that our riches lie not in material wealth but in the jewels of enlightenment of our Sages of old. They provide us with pearls of wisdom to bolster our faith and instil in us a hope and confidence needed to face tomorrow’s difficulties so that we may overcome them with assurance.



When Job loses everything he states; ‘G-d gave and G-d has taken away. May G-d be blessed’.

We dare not lose hope. We must remain optimistic.

Should we act positively in depressing circumstances, as taught by our Sages, the realisation will come to us that every experience is meant for our good. Ultimately we will be the richer and better for it.



SPIRAL INSTITUTE

mirvis@mweb.co.za

FINANCIAL ANXIETIES

By Simon Jacobson

If you are suffering from today’s financial crisis, here is a profound piece of counsel from this week’s Torah portion.

A great flood was about to arrive on Earth. Noah is told by G-d: “Build yourself an ark… come into the ark together with your family,” and this ark will protect you from the flood.

“Teivah” is the Hebrew word used in the Torah for ark. “Teivah” also means “word.” Says the Baal Shem Tov: “Build yourself an ark” – enter into protective words of Torah and prayer – which protect you from the raging floodwaters of financial anxieties that each of us have.

This advice may seem counterintuitive. When you are suffering financially it sounds more practical to intensify your efforts to find supplemental income: A new job, new types of investments. When money is lost it seems that the most logical thing to do is to become more aggressive in your pursuit of money, not to escape behind spiritual walls.

But think again. From where do we derive ultimate security? Can a structure rest comfortably on a shifting foundation? Would you feel safe being embraced by transient love? Can a child build confidence with absentee parents? Can we be secure with something that is fundamentally insecure?

True security can only come from something that is not temporary; safety and trust is built on that which is solid and permanent.

Everything in this material universe is intrinsically impermanent. We are mortals living in an ever-changing and ever-aging world. Everything physical erodes, ages and dies. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Our looks, our youth, our food, our belongings, and yes – our money – all get depleted.

I always found it ironic to call those financial vehicles – which are inherently temporal and fraught with risk (as very prospectus legally reminds us) – with the name… “securities.”

With everything material, including money, being so transitory, how can we expect to find security there? Yet we return there again and again. Is it because we have become addicted, or because we don’t know of any other alternatives?

The mere fact that in times of financial anxiety most of us would gravitate back to more aggressive money pursuits is the clearest demonstration how addicted we have become to money, and how we feel that it is the only panacea to relieve our anxiety. However, the rule is that anything that brings you anxiety can never relieve your anxiety. But this is a rule of logic, not of emotions. As much as it may make sense that a “drug” will not solve your problems, the addict returns to the drug again and again. Because life is not about sense; most of our decisions are emotional ones in the first place.

As one shtetl drunk once said: You drink to drown your tzoros (problems). Then you find out that tzoros float…

And thus comes the brilliant but simple advice of this week’s Torah portion: “Build yourself an ark… come into the ark together with your family.”

When the floodwaters of financial pressures and anxieties are raging and threaten to drown you, build a protective “ark” and enter into it with your family. Surround yourself with sacred words, insulate yourself with spiritual values and ideas.

Take time each day, each week, on weekends – designate any time that works – gather your family together and study some Torah, read a spiritual thought together, pray together.

This is not escapism. This is being pragmatic, and empowering. It is acknowledging that when the unpredictable floods are going wild, you have the power to create an oasis – a protective womb – that lifts you and your loved ones to an eternal place, which shelters you from the storm.

Not just shelter that avoids danger, but a space that brings permanent comfort being that it connects you to the immortal – the holy words that surround your life. So that even when you “leave the ark” and return to the material world you have become somewhat immunized, no longer so vulnerable to the inherent insecurities of everything corporeal.

Build yourself an ark. Enter into it. Feel nurtured.

A simple piece of advice. But one that can change your life forever.
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